my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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