i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Couch. On fire.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
