I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
