1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
