Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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