Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
