I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
