I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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