are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
