Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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