I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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