your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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