I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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