My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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