well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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