last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
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