My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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