This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
