Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Randomize
