my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
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