there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
