My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
