I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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