He uses pillows to masturbate.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
