Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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