Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
