I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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