Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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