Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
