I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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