Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I could make wine with my vomit
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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