I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
