Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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