fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
