oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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