You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
