WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
