When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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