Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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