Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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