john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
