Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
