i need an iv and a liver transplant
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Did you pee in the oven last night??
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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