i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
