My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
