cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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