I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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