Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
