Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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