If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
