I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
