that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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