singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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