There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
