ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
