Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
