Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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