The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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