My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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