How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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