This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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